Friday, February 26, 2010

Well, it's Friday -- and that means we here at D&D take a short break from the serious hard analysis for a celebration of the weird and rediculous. To those loyal TWIW readers who were miffed at the lack of this column last week -- fear not ... we are now ready to reveal the project that has been taking all our free time.

For the past 2 weeks, Demagogues and Dictators has scoured the globe to assemble our team of Super-Friends from the Animal Kingdom. While the identities of our super-friends must remain, understandably, our highest guarded secret; below we have provided a few suggestions for your corps of animal adventure-warriors...

Below are the dossiers of 4 such animals that garnered global attention these past weeks:

>Candidate One: Oscar the Death Cat
>Codename: The Puss-Sassin

>Unique Skills: According to MSNBC, The puss-sassin has a noted ability to identify humans who are about to die. His predictions of death are so accurate that nursing staff will call family members based on his presence. From MSNBC:

If kept outside the room of a dying patient, he'll scratch at doors and walls, trying to get in.

The question is: does he predict the grim reaper's presence, or, is Oscar the grim reaper's agent? So far Oscar has "predicted" the demise of 50 individuals -- a dangerous operative indeed.

>Candidate Two: Treo the Bomb Sniffer
>Code Name: The anti GT200

>Unique Skills: Treo was awarded the Dickin Medal in London this week for his outstanding combat experience in Afghanistan. A veteran of multiple tours, this hero has the ability to detect weapons grade explosives -- without possessing opposable thumbs. Furthermore, his humility should be noted. From the Huffington Post:
Treo merely flicked out his rosy tongue as he and Heyhoe posed for photographs with the silvery medal. He squirmed as the medal was fitted around his neck.
A true hero indeed.

>Candidate Three: Ms. Camel UAE
>Codename: The Honey Pot
>Unique Skills: This year's camel beauty pagent in the UAE will discern the world's most lusciously beautiful, high class camel. The winner will surely marry the loveliness of "her humps, her humps, her lovely lady lumps" with the power of a desert killing machine. She will be comfortable in the harshness of the Arabian desert, but comfortable in the land of the high class operative. Reuters reports that while the winner may walk to the pagent, it can expect to leave via luxury car. These ladies are not cheap, two years ago, the winner was purchased for over $2 million USD.

Candidate Four: Baltic the Adventure Dog

Codename: Shackle-pup

Unique Skills: Baltic, a dog born from the icy north, was first discovered floating on an ice floe into the Polish Baltic. He liked the cold so much, and was so passionate about the adventure, he refused to be rescued from his berg -- he left on his own terms. And now, Baltic is returning to the frozen wastes -- just because he can. The AP reports:
Wearing a bright orange lifejacket, Baltic embarked Wednesday on a three-day mission alongside his new owner Adam Buczynski, a seaman who pulled him to safety from an ice sheet in the Baltic Sea last month.

Buczynski said the dog seemed stressed by the commotion of preparing for the trip. In footage shown on Polish TV, Baltic sat on his lap, his head nestled between Buczynski's legs.

So... Baltic may be brave, but at least you know your new operative doesn't suffer from hubris.

So there you have it, fellow Animal Friend Army Builders! Collect these operatives, and begin your training to defeat evil. Without them, victory is uncertain. But then, there is the x-factor... the mysterious operative known only as the CRUNKIN' BEAR. His true identity is unknown, and the only evidence of his existance is this national geographic video. Should you recruit this reclusive weapon of mass destruction, you will truly be undefeated:

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